Life Lessons
by MRegent.2 and Pangie
Summary: Gathered here are the stories of why looking in the mirror for too long is bad, how minding your own business can save you trauma and other such life lessons, all learned the hard way by our beloved Death Note characters!
1. Near's Sex Ed

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of its associated characters or fictional locations.

Once upon a time the boy known as Near was a bright, happy child who loved playing outside and wore the brightest colours he could find. Then one day he was passing L's door in his home, a place called 'The Wammy's' house'. Suddenly he heard a noise coming from the room, it was faint but it was there. Near was shocked, nobody was allowed in L's room, and L surely wouldn't be groaning so loudly... but what if he was hurt, what if L's had slipped and fell and was currently bleeding to death on the floor?

After sevreal minutes of deliberation young Near gritted his teeth in determination and pushed open the door. However, much to young Near's surprise the office was deserted, but he _had_heard something. Suddenly the groaning began again, this time it was longer and it was getting louder with every second. Near whiled around to see the door to L's cupboard, it was open slightly and as he stood there the groans became louder.

Near's mouth hung open, someone was inside L's confectionery cupboard. If someone went in there they were in terrible trouble! It was filled all the cakes and creams the reclusive detective could dream of, and a few more besides. If someone was to ever steal from there it would mean L would fall into despair, leaving the world's most horrific crimes unsolved. Near's shoulders straightened, it was his duty to find the culprit and inform L, that way L would be able to deliver just punishment upon them and maybe he would get over the loss of his beloved cake faster. And with that he swung open the cupboard door and opened his mouth to condemn whoever was within only to freeze in unimaginable horror.

The first thing that Near noticed was that L's confectionery room was in fact filled with numerous tubs of clear fluid and oddly shaped objects. The second was that L, Watari and Roger were all on the floor together. The third was that they were naked, and the fourth was to ensure that he would never need descriptions in Sexual education later in life.

The trio froze as they spotted the brightly clad Near staring at them as if he had been told Santa Claus didn't exist. "Umm, this isn't what it looks like Near..." said L nervously.

"Uarrgh... hurg," Near moaned sadly.

"Are you okay Near?" Asked Watari.

"WrghhhhAAAAHHHHHH!" Near screamed before crumpling into a ball, crying like a baby.

After this incident Near's hair turned white from trauma and his he changed his clothes to match. He stopped venturing outside and because of the sheer mental scarring that he had been inflicted he never really displayed any kind of emotion again. And that, dear readers, is why you never confront someone in a cupboard who may or may not be alone.


	2. Mello's Vegie Surprise

Disclaimer: I do not own Death note or any of it's fictional characters of locations.

Life Lessons

Mello

Once there was a happy little boy called Mello. Mello just loved to each all sorts of delicious, wholesome foods. He liked fruits and vegetables and rice and bread and Italian food and Japanese food and fish and meat and eggs and yummy things like that.

The one food Mello couldn't stand was _chocolate_. It was just so _sweet _and _cocoa-y_.

One day Mello went to see his good friend, Near.

Unfortunately, Near had very recently been traumatised and scarred for life only the day before and went a little bit crazy at the sight of the happy little Mello.

As a result, Mello left sooner than he had expected. He also had a lot less hair than when he'd gone in, and some odd-looking scratches.

Like a good friend, Mello wondered what was wrong with his friend Near. So he went to find Watari to find out. Mello went to go Watari's office, but on the way there he passed a bathroom. He heard what sounded like someone having a bath, but there weren't any sounds like water.

Happy little Mello innocently pushed open the bathroom door and, as a result, learned about Watari's little secret.

You see, Watari was very scared of water. He could only drink a little of it at a time. He couldn't _bathe _in it, oh _no_. So, instead, he bathed in food. He filled the bath with all sorts of food like rice and bread and fruits and vegetables -coincidentally, everything Mello liked to eat. The only thing that wasn't there was chocolate.

Unfortunately this didn't make him as clean as he would like. He had stinky feet covered in black grime, which he was, at that moment, trying to rub off with celery. He was, at the same time, trying to clear out his ear with a carrot stick.

Unbeknowst to Watari, Mello was watching him with his mouth hanging wide open.

Very quietly, Mello shut the bathroom door and ran away to hide under his bed.

From that day on, little Mello ate nothing but chocolate.


	3. Matt meets the Naturalists

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of it's associated characters or fictional locations.

Once upon a time there was a boy named Matt. Matt was a bright, active young boy who could almost always be found outside, in fact he slept outside as often as he could and ate in a tree so that he would have to spend as little time inside as possible, one could even say that he_ hated_ being inside.

Unknown to most people however it wasn't being inside that Matt hated however, it was the evil _electronics_ that were inside all the houses and buildings, yes those nasty little machines with their glowing screens that hurt the eyes and suspicious looking-buttons that would be pushed in so easily, he often had nightmares of the nasty buttons suddenly disappearing and sucking the whole finger and then eating it all up, oh yes machines were _evil_.

Then one day a Matt woke up in his favourite tree he heard a strange sound and crawled down onto the ground to see a strange group of people crowding around the tree with an old fat man with large grey sideburns in a large brown overcoat.

"Welcome one and all to the naturalist society!" Called the man. "We have all gathered here today in rejection of modern day technology and in wonder to the old ways of mother nature!"

Matt was surprised, this is didn't sound so bad, and they seemed to hate technology like him, maybe they were friends who had come to take him away from all the evil lights and sounds that came from the machines in the orphanage!  
"And in the ways of mother nature we must show nature our gratitude towards her! First, let us walk without restriction!" Declared the man. And with that he grasped the lapels of his overcoat and threw it off, the rest of the group following with their own clothing.

"Ah, do you feels the true beauty of nature my friends," sighed the man as breeze came through the tress posing naked as were all the men and women around the tree. "Now let us revel in it the way mother nature intended us to!" And with that the man turned to the tree Matt was hiding in and started.. doing things to it...

All the people around the tree suddenly doing similar things to the plant's animals and rocks that surrounded the tree.

Matt was a very sad little boy.

Eventually the strange people were chased off by the police and Matt was able to come down. From that point onward Matt knew the truth of the outside world, that it was horrific and sick, and that machines were the harbingers of all that was good and just in the world. Thus Matt never ventured outside without protection again, always to be seen with full body coverings and goggles to protect his eyes and never went out unless he had no other choice. He soon found the wonders and joys that video games can bring and always made sure to bring some with him so that he would never be left alone n a world filled with the horrific, terrifying nature.


	4. How L found his calling

Disclaimer: I do not Death Note or any of its associated characters or fictional locations.

Once upon a time there was a boy named L.

Nobody knew why they called him L, he was just L.

He was weird that way.

He walked funny, and looked like a panda.

Nobody knew why he walked funny and walked like a panda.

He was also weird in that way.

Then one day while young L was walking funny found an empty glass jar on the ground. L found this strange due to the fact that the jar had been full earlier on, and yet it was empty so soon.

Much to L's surprise he quickly found more empty jars like a trail of breadcrumbs, except less tasty.

L decided to follow these jar's to their source, because he had nothing else to do and if he hung around too long Rodger might find him and make him take a bath.

So L followed the Jar trail, winding all around the orphanage, over the hill, through the basement, beside Watari's secret collection of adult magazine's, until, until finally he reached the kitchen door.

From within the door young L could hear a lot of strange noises, like a sort of sucking and moaning and gasping. Curious as to what could be causing these sounds L opened the door.

He was unprepared for the sight that met him. Before him was the kitchen, however it was not the pristine white and chrome room that he remembered, the room was covered in empty jars and flecks of Jam, in the middle of the room there was BB sitting on a stool, spooning out big globs of Jam for the jar in his hand.

"BB, what are you doing?" Asked the confused L.

"I'm eating all the Jam, what does it look smararse-"

"Oh ye gods that's where all the Jam has been going!" Proclaimed Rodger, who had been secretly stalking L so that he could kidnap him and make him take his first bath in over a month. "Well done L, you managed to solve the mystery! Here, have some money as reward," Rodger gave young L a few pounds.

"... What's this?"

"..Ah, it's called money you buy things with it, like food or clothes or-"

"Like candy?"

Rodger rubbed his temples. "Yes like candy."

"And you gave me money for finding out who kept eating all the Jam?"  
"Correct."

"So if I solve mysteries I get money?"

"Yes L, yes you do," sighed Rodger.

"And more money means more candy?"

"Yes, L, more money means more candy-"  
L grinned, revealing surprisingly white teeth for a boy with such bad eating habits. "I know what I want to be when I grow up Rodger!"

And thus L embarked up the journey that would lead to him becoming the world's greatest detective and having all the candy he could eat, having learned that while crime may not pay catching criminals does.

As for why he would later contribute to the scarring of one of his successors many years later by having an orgy with his father figure and his friend?

He was just weird that way.


	5. When Light looked in the Mirror

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of it's associated characters or fictional locations.

Once upon a time there was a boy named Light.

Nobody knew why his parent had called him that, maybe they were depressed and wanted something to brighten up their day.

Anyhow one day Light was cleaning his teeth when he caught sight of his reflection. Before now Light had always been a modest boy, well aware of both his failings and achievements so he wouldn't get a giant ego. Today however was different.

Today was the day that he realised just how _pretty_ he was. No, not just _pretty_, but _beautiful_. When he looked in the mirror he saw the hight of humanity, the Übermensch, the messiah. The person who was so pretty that he could not possibly be wrong.

Light, having come to this epiphany, and swelled his ego by a good dozen times, walked down the stairs and saw that the Tv was on.

Now the television was set to the news channel because nobody in the house ever watched anything else, which might have been why they were so depressed.

Since the Tv was on Light decided to watch it, shortly afterwards a story came on by which a criminal had been acquitted of all charges.

This made Light sad, because his father was someone who caught criminals and that meant all criminals must be bad people because his father was a good person and good people don't catch bad people. It was because of bad people that Light's father was never home, Light thought all bad people should die so that good people wouldn't have to catch them all the time.

But then Light would think that killing was bad so they shouldn't die, so they had to be caught instead so good people would just have to put up with it. But not today because Light had realized just how pretty he was so nothing he thought could possibly be wrong, killing bad people had to be all right then.

And thus with the aid of a mirror and a giant ego Light set down on the path of mass homicide and early death. So the lesson here is not to look in the mirror too long or else you will turn into a mass murderer like Light, unless you are ugly in which case you can look as much as you like.

**Author's Note:**

**And that's the end of life lessons! Sorry for taking so long to finish this story, but seeing as it's a crack fic it wasn't exactly on my priority list, and I've been very busy lately. I was considering going through the entire cast but I decided that going through the entire cast would get boring, or at least less entertaining as we move on to less known and interesting characters. And ending on Light, the biggest nut case in all of Death Note seems to be appropriate. Remember to review!**

**-MRegent.2**


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